What You Hope for is Guaranteed - Part One

We are not supposed to go through the motions of life. We are supposed to fully live it with all of our heart and you - whoever you are - no matter how lost, lonely and afraid you are - no matter what you've done or what's been done to you - no matter how many times you've tried and failed - no matter who you've lost - no matter how much pain you carry - no matter what - you still get to Hope and What You Hope for - deep, deep down inside - is Guaranteed. There are no exceptions.

The Magical Psychological Powers of AND

One of the first things I tell new counseling or coaching clients is my favorite word because it has magical psychological powers. That magical word is AND. You might be thinking that it is a lame favorite word, but it really has some magical properties AND you need to know them because using it more often can bring you more peace, insight, problem solving powers, self-love and relief.

Being Too Sensitive

It's a pet peeve of mine when I hear someone call somebody else "too sensitive." It is never meant is a compliment, which is ironic given that it is sensitivity that makes us the empathetic, warm, caring, compassionate people that we are. It's even more ridiculous because the person calling the other person "too sensitive" is usually getting so many wonderful perks from being in a relationship with that sensitive person.

Knowing Who To Trust

If you have a hard time trusting, then it might be because someone violated your trust when you were young. Maybe it was your parents...or another family member...or someone else who was important to you at the time. On the March 11th episode of Heart 2 Heart, Elizabeth and Michelle discuss trust: how you can identify trustworthy people and then build trusting relationships with them. See the attached blog post for Elizabeth's commentary and additional show notes.

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The Real Apology

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"The Real Apology" is a three part apology originally proposed by Randy Pausch in his "Last Lecture." When you offer a "Real Apology" you don't just say you're sorry -- you also take full responsibility for what you said or did and offer to do something to make it up to the person you are apologizing to.

Heart 2 Heart Episode: Codependency Issue

On the February 25 episode of Heart 2 Heart, Elizabeth and Mary McBryde discuss a letter from a listener who feels a little taken for granted by a friend she is trying to help through a bad breakup. They also discuss about the consequences of choosing to be right instead of choosing to be happy when we feel as if we've been wronged.

Codependency: Caretaking vs. Caregiving

There are crucial differences between caretaking and caregiving and you will notice, the healthier the relationship, the more you are caregiving than caretaking. I see caretaking and caregiving on a continuum. We usually are not one or the other. The goal is to do as much caregiving as we are able to and decrease our caretaking as we can. Caretaking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that can be changed. We want to change it because we will experience more peace, more contentment and more fulfilling relationships if we do. The people in your life may resist your healthier actions, but modeling caregiving is a huge gift you are giving your loved ones.

Permission to Cry

I often hear people qualify their days after experiencing a death or other loss as good or bad based on whether or not they cried with the crying days being the "bad" ones. I don't look at it that way. I see crying a good and positive thing and a healthy person's response to emotional pain as well as a necessary part of the grieving process*.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Trust

When we think about trusting someone, we tend to think of it in terms of all or nothing. Either we trust this person or we don't. We trust ourselves or we don't. We trust that we will be taken care of or we don't. I label trust that is black and white like that "unhealthy trust." We think it's like a switch we can turn on or off on a whim. It's not. And if you change the way you think about trust and learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy trust, you will save yourself a lot of heartache because trust is at the core of all of our relationships.

It’s Not Time That Heals All Wounds

I will agree that we need time to grieve and mourn, but it is not time that does the job of healing. If we do not do the necessary grief work (accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain, making the necessary adjustments and creating meaning from the loss), we will end up with what Alan Wolfelt calls "carried grief." Carried grief is when you do not mourn your loss and take the pain with you into everyday of your life.

A Key to Happiness is Forgiveness of Self and Others

We simply cannot live our potential while we are harboring resentments against ourselves and others. But, it's important to know that the practice of forgiveness is actually an act of self-interest and not about another person at all.

Thoughts on Kübler-Ross' Stages of Grief

In my work as a grief counselor, I have found that while many of my clients already know the stages of grief, it does not seem to be enough for them. The stages are something that happens to you. They aren’t something that can be controlled or predicted. Most people find that not only do the stages not occur in the "right order," but more than one can be experienced at the same time and it is likely that one or more of them are not experienced at all.

Advice For Grieving Parents

You are living out one of most people’s greatest fear. This is why some of your closest friends or family might be acting standoffish or even disappear. They don’t mean to be mean or neglectful, but it doesn’t hurt any less. Many times they want to be there for you but simply don’t know how. However, if you let them, there are people in your life who can be there for you, champion you, stand by you and will not be afraid to talk about this or go through this fully with you.