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The Phoenix Lights Herself on Fire

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The Phoenix Lights Herself on Fire

Usually when we think about the phoenix, we think about the rising from the ashes part. It's such a powerful symbol of hope.Recently, I found myself sitting in the ashes - covered in soot. There's a quote that pops into my head at these times from Marianne Williamson's phenomenal A Return to Love that goes something like " the only thing worse that having to say "Oh God, I can't believe I did that" is having to say, "Oh God, I can't believe I did that.....Again." Yes, this trip to the ashes was my own doing.

The Cure for Survivor's Guilt

The Cure for Survivor's Guilt

Whether you have actual or existential survivor’s guilt, it usually comes in the form of a question like, “Why am I allowed to live while the person who died does not?” It’s a fair question, but the tendency is to stop there. To just live with the question and let it haunt you and torment you is not fair.Some will punish themselves with it for the rest of their lives. That’s really sad and no way to live or honor the person that died. The more courageous challenge is to actually answer the question.

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Trust for the Trust Phobic

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Trust for the Trust Phobic

“I’ll Never Trust Anyone Again!!!”  We’ve all said it. Usually, it’s cried out dramatically in tears while running to our bed (the hand on the forehead is optional) or right before we take our hit of Ben and Jerry’s ready for our night of DVR’d numbness. How adorable!!!  Actually thinking we can turn trust off like a faucet.  Here’s the deal - if you plan to never trust anyone again, head to a deserted island because if you are in a relationship of any kind, trust is involved.  And here’s more crappy news, humans are imperfect and therefore, it’s only a matter of time before one of them lets you down again.

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Why You Need to Stop Saying You’re a People Pleaser

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Why You Need to Stop Saying You’re a People Pleaser

If you have the need to please, say yes, over-help, over-do, over-gift, over-compliment, make nice and all that crap we’ve been socialized to do, the jig is about to be up. But, what I’ve noticed lately is that women talk about being a pleaser almost as a point of pride or as something that they have no power or control over. You may have even gotten so comfortable with your status as a pleaser that you announce with a ho-hum attitude or maybe even a flair, exclaiming that indeed, “I’m a pleaser!” I’ve also heard things like, “I can’t help it, I’m a pleaser!,” and “I’m such a pleaser!”

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So Much To Do: Task III

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So Much To Do: Task III

External adjustments are the actual physical things that you have to do now that the death has happened that you didn't have to do before.At first you are confronted the horrifying truth of that the death has occurred and in if that wasn't cruel enough, now you have to go and do a lot of shit. If you are the parent, spouse, or adult sibling you will be making a lot of decisions and plans. This includes things like calling the ambulance; going down to the hospital; calling the funeral home; writing the obituary, choosing a casket; discussing with family members how to carry the wishes of the person who died; burial or cremation arrangements; memorial service or funeral including and who will do what and speak etc.), delivering the eulogy, dealing with the insurance company and the bank, getting the will and the estate taken care of. This would all be a nightmare if you had boundless energy, but Jesus, you are in THE WORST PAIN OF YOUR LIFE.

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More Than Tears: Task II

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More Than Tears: Task II

This is Part 2 of a 6 Part Series on the Tasks of Mourning by J. William Worden. But don't worry, this doesn't mean YOU have to think about DOING the tasks. I believe that your psychological immune system is already hard at work doing these tasks.Task II: To Process the Pain of Grief

If I were to ask you to show me a picture of someone processing the pain of grief, my guess is that you show me a picture of a woman crying. Don't feel bad because this stereotype was socialized into you. This is why you are out there on your own right now, because our society didn't teach you shit about who grieves (everyone does except sociopaths - even some animals grieve) and how grief impacts us.

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Accepting the Unacceptable: Task I

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Accepting the Unacceptable: Task I

This is Part 1 of a 6 Part Series on the Tasks of Mourning by J. William Worden. But don't worry, this doesn't mean YOU have to do more work. I believe that your psychological immune system is already hard at work doing these tasks without your help. (Disclaimer: That is not how Dr. Worden presents them, it's how I think of them!!).Task I: Accepting the Reality of the Loss

It seems straight forward, right? You know he's dead or you were with her when she died. But even when it happens and you witness it with your own eyes, there is this weird feeling like it didn't happen. That truth that he or she actually died is so shocking to our system that our psyche has a hard time making it real.

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Why You Can't Get Grief Wrong

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You really, really don't need to worry about how you're grieving. You can't get it wrong. Grief is simply your reaction to your loss. Let's say that one more time. Grief is your reaction to your loss. What does that mean?1. Grief is Your Reaction

It means that you don't need to give a fuck about what anyone else thinks about how you are grieving. Are they obsessed about your reaction to the last movie you saw? How about to your reaction last birthday? I know these are ridiculous questions, but what I'm trying to help you see is that grief is your personal reaction or response and no one else in the world will have that exact response because it's yours and yours alone. Grief is a ongoing and evolving personal experience not an event or a thing that is predictable or that someone can judge any more than they should judge your personal experience of the steak you ate last night.

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Introducing Your Psychological Immune System

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If you want to figure out why you're having such a hard time putting one foot in front of the other, why you're forgetting appointments or your keys - AGAIN and why you can't concentrate for shit, you need to understand that your psychological immune system is hard at work trying to save your ass. Think about the last time you had the flu and how you could hardly get out of bed to brush your teeth. Why were you so weak?  Think about it for a second. Not why you were sick or achey, but why fatigued?

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The Challenging Work of Not Being in Pain

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Some think the sickness, accident, death or trauma was the most challenging part. Others might think the grieving and living without him or her is. Who are we kidding? It's all a complete and total nightmare. But, what's interesting is somehow we know how to survive the worst. We instinctively know how to dig in deep and just fucking get through it. We know how to shut down if we need to and we have our lifelong coping mechanisms. We all have our own ways of zoning out avoiding our feelings and the terrifying reality of our situation. But learning how to live just might be the most challenging part.

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You Will Never Get Over It

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That resonates doesn't it? Yet, we've been told to move on and to get over it and worst of all "get closure" (as if that was a thing). We've been fed lies. And in our vulnerable and hurt state, believed them. But, I'm going to tell you the truth. You Will Never Get Over It. The reason this resonates with you is because truth resonates.

Now, let me tell you why you will never get over it. It’s because you are not a computer with a freaking delete key, that's why. But, let's take it deeper than that, how can you ever get over having a mother or father? How can you move on from having a child or a spouse or a brother or sister? You can’t. It doesn’t even make any sense. Our relationships make us who we are and when they die, they don’t take that part of us with them (Hedke & Winslade, 2004).

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That's What Self Love Feels Like

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"You must do the thing you think you cannot do” is one of my all-time favorite quotes. Eleanor Roosevelt was talking about looking fear in the face and she’s talking to you too. You must heal, forgive, release the dysfunctional pattern or relationship, get clean from your addiction, start taking care of yourself and figure out what you want and who you are.

The Search for Your Amazing Life is Finally Over!

You can also stop looking to a "someday" when you are skinny enough, rich enough, smart enough, talented enough or when you know all the right people or have all the right letters behind your name. Your Amazing Life isn't going to be mocked by your low-self esteem.

Grieving a Traumatic Loss

On October 5, 2012 I appeared on the Blogtalk radio show "Think Zink" with Sarah Zink where we discussed grieving when the loss you suffered was traumatic as a part of our series called "The Kaleidoscope of Grief." These are some notes from our discussion (with added explanations and examples). I've also embedded a link to the show, which is also available for download from iTunes. Grief becomes even more difficult and complicated when the death was traumatic because when you have a traumatic loss you are not only grieving that loss, you are also suffering a trauma.  So, in essence, you have not just one problem (grief) you have two different and separate problems (grief AND trauma).

If You Are Grieving, You Are Working the Tasks of Mourning

On September 7th I appeared on the Blogtalk radio show "Think Zink" with Sarah Zink where we discussed grief work and the Tasks of Mourning as a part of our series called "The Kaleidoscope of Grief." These are some notes from our discussion (with added explanations and examples). I've also embedded a link to the show, which is also available for download from iTunes.

What You Hope for is Guaranteed - Part Four

When you are moving in the direction of what you hope for, you start to get excited - you're all set for the change and are ready to enjoy all the fabulousness of your new life.   And there is silence.......just crickets.  Same ole life -- only harder -- because you are actively working on your hopes and dreams.  It gets really tempting to throw in the towel.  Maybe you'll start next Monday or next month - or maybe in the new year. Somehow we expect that when we give something up or start a new behavior, it should be easy and we should get immediate results.  But --- think about it --- if it were that easy, wouldn't it be happening already?  The truth is that it's hard.  Like really, really hard.  The good news is that the difficulty is TEMPORARY.

So...what's required?

1.  Stamina:  Success is going to take a lot of stamina.  Do not underestimate the amount of energy that is going to be required.  It's easy to lose weight at the fancy spa that serves low calorie delicious organic meals while you take in the beautiful scenery surrounding you.  It's not so easy at the end of a stressful day when you're tired and hungry and without even intending it somehow find yourself sitting in the McDonald's drive-thru. Trying to live a new way requires extra energy....and when you're depleted, it's fairly automatic to revert to the old ways because falling into old habits really doesn't require much effort.

2.  Preparation, patience, practice and persistence:  Capturing your hopes and dreams is a marathon - not a sprint.  Changing a behavior is the equivalent of participating in a distance race.  What if I asked you to get up right now and run a marathon.  Go.  Yes -- right now! With only the clothes you are wearing right now and only the shoes on your feet. Ready...set....26.2 miles...GO!

But before you start running...even if you are ready and willing to take my challenge, even if you're in great shape -- even if you're wearing a track suit --you probably aren't going to make it. How will you know when you've gone the whole way? I haven't shown you the map. How will you fuel yourself? I didn't give you any energy bars. And what about water? Clearly, taking me up on my challenge isn't a wise idea. But notice, you don't feel bad about yourself nor has your self-esteem suffered because you can't run my imaginary marathon right now...because you know that it is a silly request.  You're fine because...well, you know that asking you to run a marathon without preparation is ridiculous, dangerous and probably impossible. You don't have expectations on yourself that you would succeed.

Yet, when you make the decision to lose weight...or to stop buying things you can't afford...or stop the affair...or stop drinking...or start writing your book...or start exercising...or start your business... or go back to school - or whatever you hope for......you beat yourself up because you're not doing it or changing immediately.  Expecting perfection and immediate results is like ordering yourself to run a marathon right now.  You are not operating under the right mindset because achieving dreams is a marathon.  And if you are mad at yourself, you aren't being realistic or compassionate with yourself.  You might as well be asking ourselves to run a marathon completely untrained, unprepared and unsupported.  You can't do it, not because you're failure or loser.  You can't do it because that is not the way you are wired.  You aren't built to go from 0 to 26.2.  But you ARE built to go from 0 to 1 and from 1 to 2 or 3 and so on until 26.2 or higher.

3.  Action and Inertia:  I ran a marathon once. It was a harrowing experience. At the starting gate I was high on life thinking --- "I've got this! I can do this!" and felt really proud of myself for taking on such a challenge. I felt at one with everyone at the race and all of the planets and stars were aligned for me.  When the race started, I worked my plan -- one step at a time, taking one step after another. I was so proud of myself...Yipee! Unfortunately, my elation was short-lived. Six miles into the race I was still happy, but it started to feel like work. But I persevered...and kept taking one step after the other.  At miles nine to eleven I'm still feeling pretty happy...but I'll be honest -- I wasn't loving everyone around me as much as I did when I started and I was wondering if maybe a star or two had slipped out of alignment. But I kept on! One step...after the other.

By mile 17 I was so grumpy and not loving anybody very much including myself for taking on this really stupid endeavor. But stopping at this point wasn't really an option. I had to keep going. One...step...after...the other.

Mile 20 saw tears and maybe even a little cursing. I was really hating every...miserable...moment. No point in stopping now though...all I could do was continue to take one step after the other.

Somewhere during mile 25 -- the last mile -- something magical happened. I heard the crowd cheering me on. A few minutes later I was though the finish line and there was a medal hanging around my neck! What a wonderful world! I love everything again! That dream of mine was accomplished - regardless of the thoughts in my head and my shifting mood - with one simple step...after the other.

4.  Self-Compassion:  You're asking a lot of yourself.  You are one of the few who are willing to walk the road less traveled.  But I have a question: are you a compassionate person?  I'm guessing you would say absolutely.  Of course you are. You're kind-hearted and loving.....to others.  What is the answer if I ask you if you are compassionate with yourself?  Not so much...huh?  I thought so.  I used to suffer from this one.  Others deserved my compassion, but I should know better or do better or be better and I never cut myself a break.  But then I learned a simple truth: "you can't give away what you do not have."  If you simply can't find it in yourself to be compassionate with yourself - get help from a supportive professional counselor or life coach, because you can't get to your hopes and dreams without having self-compassion.

5.  Faith:  I've heard the spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson say that "there is no such thing as a faithless person."  To me, that means you can have faith that things will go well...or you can have faith that they won't go well.  Faith can be in yourself, faith in these hope articles, faith in God or faith that you can do it differently - that you can choose differently.  Think about what you have faith in and re-up or perhaps move your faith to optimism, goodness and triumph.  That day of the marathon I had faith that I could cross the finish line.  I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I had faith in my training, my legs, my mind and my spirit.

I'm so excited for you as you work toward your hopes and dreams and how wonderful that they are guaranteed!!

PS

If you want more tips on how to sustain a change, read Willpower:  Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney.  It's got all the current research on willpower and it's well written and interesting.

 

What You Hope for is Guaranteed - Part Three

Most people have it backwards - they believe if they get thin enough, rich enough, have the right job, right relationship or the right degree, then they will be worthy. It's actually the opposite - when you feel worthy, then those things that you hope for have an easier time coming to you. However, there are some things that you may have tried in vain to change that frustrate you to no-end! You went for your goal - full out - but still, what you hoped for eluded you. You got frustrated, disgusted and mad at yourself. You felt as though you were back to square one (or worse) and you couldn't figure out what went wrong.

What You Hope For is Guaranteed - Part Two

Before you are able to get your Guarantee (as described in part 1) it is important to understand exactly what "Hope" is. I like the definition of Hope that comes from C.R. Snyder who describes it not as an emotion but as the combination of three different cognitive processes. I found Snyder's work in Brene Brown's excellent book The Gifts of Imperfection.